The prescribed body of standard vocabulary, punctuation, grammar and insult phraseology shall take effect on the date fixed for opening for business of the Family Court and shall apply to all blog posts and all comments on this blog unless otherwise specified in guidance that may be issued from time to time.
All blog posts and all related comments shall be in the standard forms for non-children and private children blog posts, as appended below. Specific variants will be devised and used for (among other post types), child abduction, forced marriage, and public law posts.
In a non-children case the post shall express the title of the case as
That case in the Daily Mail / Telegraph yesterday
That case involving [non accidental injury, a discredited expert or social worker, contact denying mother, John Hemming MP, insert other descriptor here]
The marriage quickie divorce of Celebrity XX and Celebrity YY
The blog post shall not recite the documents which the blogger read, or the witnesses who emailed in, save in a case where a blogpost is published with notice, in which case the details shall be recited.
Where a blog post is published without notice the reason for withholding any notice must be recited. Where a blog post is made on short notice the reason for withholding full notice must be recorded in a recital. (Acceptable wording might be “I only just thunk of it”, as appropriate).
Parties :
Are not permitted at any time. You do not have time for them until you have finished boning up on this and other guidance.
The parties to any proceedings referred to in any blog post shall be referred to in the order as the “applicant” and the “respondent”. No identifier that might be understood by a litigant in person should be used.
Children shall be referred to by their first forename and surname. On no account must children be referred to by the name of their favourite soft toy as it may confuse matters.
The children’s guardian shall be referred to as “the guardian”. To avoid confusion The Guardian will be referred to as the Grauniad at all times.
Any blog post shall be consecutively numbered from 1 irrespective of whether the paragraph in question concerns a definition, serious point, witticism, quip or quote. Elaborate and very lengthy sequences of words are encouraged. Whilst a stream of consciousness style is expressly permitted by these rules, commenters must keep their comments short, to the point and not nuts.
Subparagraphs to many levels are permitted (with or without brackets). Bullet points are deprecated.
Every blog post shall begin with a definition paragraph of terms used in the post. Abbreviations must be used wherever possible, particularly if they will obscure the point to the uninitiated.
Grammatical modality (word fashion) :
The following grammatical modality shall be used for imperative verbs “the President shall stop sending guidance etc”
The following grammatical modality shall be used for prohibitory verbs “the commenter shall stop swearing, being a sexist pig, making the same point over and over again, trolling or I will block him etc”
For the purposes of capitalisation the following style (consistent with the use in the FPR 2010) shall be used by commenters uniformly in respect of the judiciary, the courts and legal representatives :
Corrupt Judge / Lawyer / Social Worker
FORCED ADOPTION
The SS (NB not social services)
SNATCH
Parental Alienation
SHARED CARE
EQUAL
cafcats
solister
Dates shall be specified without ordinal possessives and must use the full name of the month and the year in full form. This is VERY important.
The body of blogposts may be prepared in any font apart from Comic Sans. Use of italics and underlining is permissible. Exceptionally green typeface may be permitted. Commenters must please note that persistent use of CAPS LOCK is permitted but will not make your point any more cogent. Justification should be used, particularly where the viewpoint offered is barking.
Although not grammatically pure the plural pronoun “their” may be used in place of “there” (in comments only).
Although not grammatically pure it is permissible to refer to a ‘blog as a blog, without use of an apostrophe, and permissible for the author only to misuse apostrophes in general (without prejudice to the right of the blogger at all times to ridicule the spelling and grammar of commenters).
Clear English must not on any account be used in the comments appended to any blog post, and the author must shall use her best endeavours to delight, confuse and entertain in equal measure (at her whim). Any commenter who uses terms like “hereinabove” or “I rest my case” will be ridiculed or blocked.
All references to the author of this blog should adopt one of the following forms:
Familoo
Loo
Lucy
Your Highness
Unacceptable terminology includes:
Familyloo
Pinktape lady
Money grabbing b*tch
Commenters who utilise the following banned / extremely yawnworthy terminology will be subjected to an irritating imaginary klaxon like the one off QI
gravy train
fat cat
self interest
All guidance appearing in this blog is fictitious (I wish). Any resemblance to real guidance, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
I trust that this is to apply to all blogs of a family law nature, wheresoever and howsoever appearing in any form, electronic or otherwise, of a nature consistent with but not limited to erudite commentary on matters specific to the jurisdiction asserted in the forthcoming Family Court.
The default responsibility for anything which should have been done but hasn’t (or alternatively should not have been done but has) is to be automatically allocated to the child’s solicitor who must within 2 working days wave the Magic Wand provided to him/her so as to ensure full compliance with all guidance from all parties.
And above all there shall be no extraction of the urine.
You missed out the rule about LIPs and plastic shopping bags. To make barristers look good.
I trust that this is to apply to all blogs of a family law nature, wheresoever and howsoever appearing in any form, electronic or otherwise, of a nature consistent with but not limited to erudite commentary on matters specific to the jurisdiction asserted in the forthcoming Family Court.
Retrospectively as well, of course.
Please let me rest my case.
You forgot to add;
The default responsibility for anything which should have been done but hasn’t (or alternatively should not have been done but has) is to be automatically allocated to the child’s solicitor who must within 2 working days wave the Magic Wand provided to him/her so as to ensure full compliance with all guidance from all parties.
Oh yes. My bad. I shall self report immediately.
Alison: don’t you mean that the wave of the Wand shall retrospectively cause compliance to have occurred before the default was even thought of?
As for you, familoo, self-report the first time, self-immolate the second.
*falls on sword*
Laughed out loud as I tried to complete a new order!